Look What They’ve Done To My Song, Ma

AnElephantCant help killing the great songs
With his usual murderous verse
You may well have noticed
That what he has wrote is
Ungrammatical and about to get worse

So if these songs were written in Scotland
And not the good ol’ US of A
The words would be changed
And be slightly deranged
These are the sorts of things they might say

Song 1
Long distance information give me Edinburgh please
But don’t reverse the charges cos they’re meaner than weegies¹
Her home is on the Royal Mile near the castle way up top
Just a half a mile from the Princes Street shops

Song 2
I lost my head in Auchenshuggle
High as a kite on Irn Bru²
That’s where all the weans steal cars
And eat deep-fried Mars bars
And all the guys are on the broo³, aye me too
Ma burd⁴ lives there, in Auchenshuggle
And visiting can be a slog
When I get home to her in Auchenshuggle
I’ll find my dinner’s in the dog

Song 3
Shuggie came from Dumfries and Galloway
Hitch-hiked the M74 and the M8 ⁵
Picked some pockets on the way
Caught red-handed then he was a she
She says hey babe
Take a walk down the Clydeside
She said hey Jimmy
Take a walk down the Clydeside

Song 4
Senga I said as we boarded a Stagecoach⁶ in Dundee
Inverness seems like a dream to me now
It took me four days to hichhike from Fraserburgh
I’ve gone to look for Old Scotia
Pass me a haggis please I think there’s one in my sporran
We ate the last one an hour ago
So I chewed on a bumblebee she ate her magazine
And her smell rose just like an open sewer
They’ve all gone away from Old Scotia
All gone away from Old Scotia

Song 5
Well east coast girls are tough
The wind blows up your kilt o’er there
And the northern girls from old Aberdeen
They’re called quinies they don’t care
The factory girls in the Central Belt can really down the beers
And the southern girls are so very cute
They play rugby boy they’re fierce
I’m glad that they are all Caledonian
I’m glad that they are all Caledonian
I’m glad that they are all Caledonian girls

Notes:
1 Weegies – People from Glasgow, Glaswegians
2 Irn Bru – Scotland’s favourite soft drink (surprised, huh?)
3 The broo – Unemployment Benefit,
4 Ma burd – My young lady
5 M74, M8 – Major roads
6 Stagecoach – A bus company

And for any reader who is too young to recognise these songs (and Meme):

Song 1: Memphis, Tennessee – Chuck Berry
Song 2: (I left my heart) In San Francisco – Tony Bennett
Song 3: Walk on the Wild Side – Lou Reed
Song 4: America – Paul Simon and the guy with the ridiculous name and even more ridiculous hair
and
Song 5: Are you kidding!!!!!!! If you can’t suss this then you probably can’t read anyway!

And you get a bonus point if you spot that the collage at the top has got nearly nothing to do with the rest of the blog.
So sue me.