The Spy Who Shoved Me

The Spy Who Loved Me by Phil Burns

AnElephantCant keep a secret
He discovers Mrs Ellie is a spy
Not double-oh seven
She is more legs eleven
AnElephant is happy that he is her guy

She has long had a wee crush on Mr Connery
But then again what woman does not
AnElephant has to admit
He is jealous a bit
Sean is apparently the world’s handsomest Scot

She always says she is a Civil Servant
Although civility is not her strong suit
She comes from Glasgow
Where as all Doctors know
You learn kung fu if you plan to stay cute

As a femme fatale she is well qualified
She has those alluring good looks
He tries not to rile her
Cos when she gets hostiler
She makes brave men turn whiter than Spooks

He ask if she ever gets violent
She tells him it is quite arbitrary
Disdaining strong arm
She prefers to use charm
Less Dirty and more Mata Hari

AnElephantCant claim he is courageous
But he knows Mrs E is quite bold
If he gets a fright
On a bleak wintry night
He wants her to come in from the cold

Although she really is quite easy going
Here is something you should quickly learn
That if you upset her
She will draw her Beretta
And make you wish you had never been Bourne

There are dozens of great secret agents
Our Man Flint George Smiley Jack Bauer
Get Smart and Matt Helm
But the superest of them
Is Mrs Elephant with her trunkful of Powers

She has skills that would make your eyes water
So please try very hard to ca’ canny*
She knows nine martial arts
She is quite good at darts
And she can disguise herself as your granny

AnElephant asks you to please keep his secret
Because that is one thing she has often said
She gives him fair warning
He will wake up one morning
To discover he is already dead

* ca’ canny = be careful