How Not to Speak Foreign – AnElephant’s Guide

UnElephant Français par Phil Burns

AnElephantCant teach you to speak foreign
You are better to get Berlitz to do that
He gives you some hints
Not as many as vingt (20, okay?)
So you are not as dumb as a chien or a cat

It isn’t actually all that hard to speak French
AnElephant has learned nearly seven words he says proudly
As a general rule
It is best to stay cool
You don’t have to flap your arms around or speak loudly

There is a reason he thinks it is easily mastered
He explains this to you quite ingenuently¹
It is really a breeze
There are enfants he sees
Aged two or three years who speak it quite fluently

Now AnElephant’s accent is sensational
He tramples over the language quite blindly
He luckily runs out of breath
Before his audience goes deaf
He is fortunate that the folk ici treat him so kindly

If the locals ever begin to understand him
They realise his approach to French grammar is abhorrent
His words are invented¹
He is otherly talented
He is a mastodon and he is évidemment foreign

AnElephant approaches the end of his lesson
He teaches 19 things or perhaps one or two fewer
But nod your head and say oui
Smile a pleasant merci
You see la vie is good and you always have a bonjour*

*Bonjour –French
G’day mate – Australian
How y’all doing today – American
What ho old bean – English
Howzitgaun pal – Scottish