Parrots and Paranoid Pirates

AnElephantCant be a Pirate by Phil Burns

AnElephantCant claim he’s a yachtsman
He is really too cumbersomely landlubberish for that
He doesn’t understand tides
Or winds that blow from the sides
And he hasn’t even got the right silly hat

But he does think that sailboats are exciting
All masts and rudders and rigging and more
He has no idea what this means
But he likes to dream dreams
Perhaps he is a pretentious pirate in what are called days of yore

He imagines himself as a swashbuckler
His ship is fast and his crew are all good ‘uns
He has an eye patch and parrot
His face is well scarrèd
And of course he has a leg that is wooden

He frightens everyone when he wields his great cutlass
But he is not the Seven Seas greatest plunderer
His swipes are truly fearsome
He reduces the crew’s ear sum
And that is why poor old pretty Polly has only one leg under her

His galleon always flies the Jolly Roger
Though he is not the scariest dude on the whole Spanish Main
He makes folk walk the plank
They wave and shout thanks
Then climb back up with a laugh and dive off again

But it is a hard life if you come from Penzance
Even there the recession continues to devastate
He gets much less pleasure
From his buried treasure
There are only four bits now in his hard earned Pieces of Eight